Well that escalated quickly

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 It's been a minute since I posted here. I've started a few posts but they petered out after the first paragraph or two. Just couldn't seem to get it together. It's now Thursday morning of the first week of teachers returning. It also happens to be 5:30am. We've spent the past week working in our classrooms and in various meetings. It's been good. Kind of excited for the new school year. I'm much more prepared than I was last year and I feel like it will be awesome. 

I've been going through a rollercoaster of emotions over my weight. Hubby and I really reigned in our eating about 3 weeks ago and I'm feeling so, so much better. But the scale doesn't really show it and that just got to me over the weekend. Oh, also, I've been told to restrict my exercise to non-impact because of my knee, so that means no gym. Then I was told to not exert myself by my cardiologist because during a stress test my blood pressure skyrocketed. So I've been basically not moving, or moving very little. Which messes with my brain. So over the weekend I just kind of lost it. I was going to sign up for weight loss drugs. I did sign up for some weird weight loss guy on Facebook. Then I signed up for a preliminary evaluation at a weight loss clinic in Ahwatukee. Yup, spinning out of control. So I think I've gotten a handle on it now. I've been on blood pressure medication for a few days and definitely feeling better. I'm going to start working out, light at first, tomorrow. I actually have been doing a little working out in the pool. I sit on a giant noodle and bicycle around the pool. It really works the legs but does not seem to get my heart rate up too much. Tomorrow I'm going to do a small Supernatural workout. Nothing crazy, just 10ish minutes, that's all. I'm also going to start riding my bike throughout the day. Just 10 minutes here and there. I need to do something for my mental health. 

As for my weight. Do you know how annoying it is to be this old and be able to read back through this blog and realize I've been struggling with my weight almost my entire life? That is so depressing. I don't want to spend the rest of my life thinking about my weight all the time. So I need to just come to peace with it. I need to just accept it and move on. That doesn't mean I will give up taking care of myself, not at all. Because I'm taking care of myself so that I can live a long, full life, not so that I can be a certain weight. I think I have finally accepted the fact that I will never be skinny or even reasonably close to skinny. And I'm okay with that. That doesn't mean I can't be healthy and active and vibrant. So I think I'm kind of done with the whole weight loss thing. I'm going to take good care of myself, eat right and move, because that's what I want to do and that's what I deserve. But no more beating myself up over my weight. I'm absolutely done with that. 

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