Some tough love

 But before we get to that, an update on the arm/hand situation. I think I figured out what I have. Cubital tunnel syndrome. That is basically a compression of the ulnar nerve in the upper arm that causes numbness in the fingers. Boom! Now I know what it is. I also got some exercises to do to glide the nerve. The only real treatment is rest, exercise, and surgery if it doesn't get better. So I am basically a medical sleuth. 

On to the tough love. I have been giving this 'business' of mine a very half-hearted approach. I have not touched my website in weeks. My social media posting is sporadic at best. I have not signed up for any shows. Really? How am I supposed to make a success of this thing with this work ethic? I need to be all in if I'm going to make this work. But to do that, I need to figure out exactly what I'm going to sell. I am so all over the place with product, I don't even know where to begin. I do have a rescue fair that I am considering. That would at least focus me on animal stuff. But then I would need to do a lot of things to get ready. But at the same time, it's over a month away. Hmmmmm.....decisions, decision. 

What I do know is that I can't be this distracted from my business. I need to do more, focus more, care more. Right now I'm just spending money and not making anything. NOTHING!!!!  I need to do something to actually make money. I posted a listing on Amazon and have got nothing from that. I could post more things. I could watch some videos and webinars about making money on Amazon. I could watch the videos from the Craftfest that I paid for. I could watch the videos from the courses I've paid for. I could put more time and effort into making this thing work. But do I? NO!! I make things that I feel like making. I watch a lot of TV. I sit on the couch and color!!!! I've got to change things up. 

Let's see if I can get to the why? Why do I want this? Why do I not put more effort into it? Why am I not doing more to promote it? I think there is a few things going on that I need to address and deal with. 

First, why do I want this? Well, I want something to do when I retire. I'm scared of retiring. I'm afraid I won't have enough money. I'm afraid that I'll end up sitting around doing nothing and getting old. I thought that by having a small business going I could avoid all that. It would keep me busy and provide a little extra money each month. Also, I really enjoy making things. 

Next, why do I not put more effort into it? Well, I tell myself that teaching Monday through Thursday is exhausting and I just don't have the energy. I also tell myself that I need time to workout and relax and spend with Hubby. So when I get home at 5 or 5:30 and go to bed at 8ish, there is really just enough time to relax and spend with Hubby. Now granted my idea of relaxing is sitting on the couch, coloring on my app, and watching completely mindless TV (hello, Frasier). It has become a ritual that I am completely into. I will get up from dinner to change the channel to watch Frasier. That is ridiculous. As for spending time with Hubby, we each sit in the same room and look at our devices. That hardly qualifies as quality time. It is literally the same routine every single work night. I come home, Hubby is sitting at the counter, drinking a beer and making dinner. I change into my jammies and head over to the couch and pick up my iPad with my coloring app. Dinner is ready. We eat and I head back to the couch. Hubby feeds the dog. Around this time he always asks, What's on tonight? The answer is almost always, nothing. We go to bed at 8pm so unless something is on at 7pm, we don't watch it until the weekend. Then we sit there watching Frasier or Penn & Teller or Survivor. At 7ish, I get up and clean the kitchen and Hubby usually heads off to bed. I may stretch and then follow him in. That's it. That's our nights. That's actually our weekend nights also as it's become such a habit. I know that I have as much time as I think I have - it is all in the mindset. I also know that if I had something to do for my business, Hubby would completely understand. So there is no reason why I can't work on it a little each night. I did say that I was going to do my social media posting at night on the couch. I could get back into that. I let that slip a lot. So, how about baby steps. I will get back into doing my social media posting when sitting on the couch at nigh. 

Next up, why am I not doing more to promote it? This is where things get a little hairy for me. I don't do enough to promote it, there is no question about that. But the underlying reason is something I've been afraid to face my whole life. I'm afraid I'll be successful. I barely have the time to do things now. If I was successful, how much more would I be working? It's weird, I know. But I am afraid of being successful. I always have been. And I've always known that about myself. So how do I get over it? I honestly don't know. I  just need to fight through it and see what happens if I do become successful. Having no background or experience with real success, I don't know what to expect or how to do it. Which, is something I have struggled with my whole life, doing something I don't know how to do. If I don't know how to do something, like be successful, I'm afraid of it. I get scared and wonder if I can do it. Is that a form of perfectionism? I don't need to do things perfectly but I am a little afraid of the unknown. Hell, even going somewhere I've never been before is scary to me. I can look at is as an adventure, but there is a certain amount of fear there too. That's a control thing. Going into something or someplace that I'm not familiar with takes all control away from me. I don't know what's going to happen and I don't know what to do and I don't know how to deal with it. OMG!!!! This is so enlightening. This is my Undiscovered Country. Whenever I am faced with that, I get a little scared. I absolutely felt it with my Amazon listing. I was so afraid of what would happen if that thing took off. But I think I kind of sabotaged myself to make sure it didn't. 

Well, as always, figuring out the root cause shines a light on things and helps me understand how to deal with it. So I'm off to face my fear of success. I'm going to do things that I think will lead to success and see what happens. Will I handle it perfectly? No. Will I make mistakes? Absolutely. Will it kill me? Probably not. And it could lead to something really spectacular. So I'm determined to face it and do the best I can.