Am I fooling myself?

 Back in March I signed up for DMSC again. I felt that I was missing some stuff and thought that by going back I would find the piece I was missing. Since then, I have not really done any of the weekly assignments. I have not completed the Weakless Challenge. I don't do much of what he espouses that we should do every day. So before I head off to the gym, let me take a little deeper dive into why. 

He talks a lot about how his learning Spanish is analogous to us doing self care. I don't buy that, I never have and I never will. Let me explain. When you are learning a new language, or anything new like my laser, you get instant feedback. If you say something wrong, you know immediately. If you can't think of the word, you know immediately. Also, your progress can be measured almost daily. Sure there may be days when you don't seem to be making any progress, but then suddenly something will click and you will make huge leaps forward. Yes, things like that happen with self care, but it's a lot more nebulous. You may be doing it perfectly for months and see no real results. Maybe you feel better, but that is really about it. Sure eventually the weight will start coming off, you'll get stronger from working out, things like that. But those things may take time to show up. It's not like Spanish where you can conjugate a verb that you couldn't yesterday - bad example, I know but the only one I could come up with. Yes, I realize that as you learn Spanish you feel like you are not making any progress. But self-care is like that for months and months. And I further think that when you do get something right with self-care you can experience elation which is nice but not good. If you feel that elation and then go chasing it again, problems can arise. 

He also has this new saying, Declare, Conquer, Be Proud. Maybe it's a matter of semantics, but pride doesn't resonate with me. Maybe it's because I associate pride with some really extreme stuff. I know that's kind of out there, but it's also true. Do I get proud of myself? Yes, but it's not something I shoot for. I want to be pleased and happy with myself and my choices. Proud??? I don't know, that just doesn't seem to work for me. 

I think the bottom line is that while he did really well initially for me, I think I'm moving in a different direction now. He says we should take a cold blast every morning in the shower. While I know it has health benefits, that is really not for me. I've done it but it does not make me proud. It makes me cold. He says we should go rucking - really? It's necessary for 60ish year old women to go walking with a weight in the their backpack? I'd rather go hiking. 

I've never been a person that can do things I see no point in. I don't get the mental benefits of a cold blast so why should I do it? I don't get the mental benefits of rucking, so why should I do it? 

I think I may have just realized the disconnect. He is listing things to do. I know what to do. I know what I need to do. I need help with the mental aspects of getting it done. And just doing it doesn't always work for me. Sometimes I need to understand the benefit of why I'm doing it.