Equanimity

 Equanimity: 

mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation.

 A few years back I had not even heard of that word, well I'd heard it but not in reference to me. Then I started working towards it. I've come a long, long way in developing my equanimity. I no longer have severe mood swings. I get happy, but not over the moon elated. I get sad, but feel like I'm able to stave off depression now. This doesn't mean I'm a joyful, happy person all the time. Not at all. I still feel my emotions but they are completely controllable and I try to make them valid. 

Listening to a podcast yesterday and they had a good point. A really good point. Nothing can make me feel anything. For example, I'm dealing with a completely incompetent person at my refinance company, yet nothing she does can make me feel anything at all. I do get angry because she is incompetent, but that's on me not her. She thinks she is doing her job well, I'm the one who views her as incompetent and therefore any feelings I have about it are on me. So do I get angry about something she has or hasn't done? Yes! But I don't dwell on it. I get made, I deal with it in whatever way I can, and I move on with my life. The same thing happens when I'm driving. Someone will cut me off, I'll say something like you jerk, and poof, it's gone. More often now, instead of getting mad, I get amazed at the stupid sh*t people do. The point is that I'm becoming more and more inner focused. In other words, I'm taking responsibility for my feelings and my actions and not blaming them on other people. I'm also not getting crazy in either direction, mad or happy, which makes me a much more stable and overall happy individual. I have found myself catching my anger too. I have a couple of classes that just drive me crazy and I have blown up at them a time or two. But in general, when I feel myself getting angry with them, I take a minute and try to work it out in my head first. I can't control the way they act, I can only control the way I respond to them. 

Okay, my tree has grown so I am off to slay the day.