Seriously,

do things others do? I seriously believe there are a set of basic skills that I am missing. How do I get them? Let's talk a little.

First, I have the hardest times making things a habit. There are a couple of things that I would like to do regularly - daily even - yet I forget all the time to do them. Why, why, why???? I make lists, I make habit trackers, I put things in plain view, and yet I still forget.

Second, why can I not stick to things? Why do I let boredom, or tiredness, or other stupid excuses get in the way of what I want to do? Why, why, why???? Do I not want these things enough???

Third, why can I not follow through on anything? I left this blog in the middle of the post to go play some games. WTF is wrong with me??????

Okay, instead of beating myself up, which is what I want to do, I need to figure out ways around these things. It's not that I can't do these things. I can, when I have the right motivation. I just can't seem to figure out how to get motivated lately. I have a whole list of things that I want to accomplish over the summer, and here the summer is ticking away and I'm not getting those things done. Or at least not the extent that I want. Soooo.....what works for me???

Having a to-do list really works for me, but it has to be a practical list. I can't just put BS stuff on there. So, maybe instead of a habit tracker - which clearly doesn't work for me - a daily to-do list would work. Also, I can't make to-do lists far in advance. I tend to ignore them when I do. But when I was making them at night, before bed, for the next day, that worked for me. Doing it right before bed set it in my mind and I woke thinking about it. When I fill the things in my planner for the week, I remember for one day then forget the rest of the week. Okay, this is good. I literally have 5 post it notes with to-do lists on my desk and I have done none of them. But I sat down and wrote these lists last week and the week before. Okay, things are starting to click for me here. When I feel like I have too much to do, when I feel overwhelmed and stressed, I do nothing. And then when I make these huge lists, I feel that overwhelmed feeling. Same thing when I complete my planner in advance. Oh my god. I think I may have hit on the real problem. I say I work best under pressure, but I don't like to work under pressure. This is why I write in here because I get so caught up in my own head and my own nonsense, I can't sort it out. Writing helps me sort it out.

Okay, so I think I have it. I will stop with the habit trackers and the massive to-do lists, in fact, I'm going to throw the ones I have away right now. Done. Gone!!! So, here's what I will do today. I will make a short to-do list of what I want to do to get moving on my lesson planning. That's the other thing...I try to do too much...I was lesson planning earlier and I was trying to do chemistry and AP Chem and AP Bio and conceptual science. I felt like I was getting completely overwhelmed and couldn't get anything done the way I want. So I'm going to make a short to-do list for the rest of the day. I will work on getting one course organized. One course. Okay, I feel so much better now. I swear, I can be my own worst enemy sometimes.

Wow, real and true relief. I know realize that it's not that I can't do that stuff, I just have to work within my parameters. I can't do it someone else's way, I have to do things my way. You have no idea how much better I feel now. So every night I will sit and plan the next day. I can do that.

Later that night: So I did what I said I would, made a short to-do list, and I got them done. Wow. When you work within the boundaries it's amazing how things work out. So we went out to dinner, a late anniversary celebration, and we took some pictures. What I have come to terms with is that I am huge. Huge. I don't know what I weight since I haven't weighed myself in weeks and I've been sitting around doing nothing. I have to change this too. I don't like the way I feel. I have got to get a grip on this. I need to workout. I need to watch my eating. I need to get a handle on these things. So, time to set this in motion too. Going to add workouts to my to-do list for every night and just make it work. I just have to. Starting tomorrow with a walk in the morning.