Step Away From the Cake

I feel like I'm in a freefall with food. I have not been able to get a grasp on my eating these last couple of days. A large part of it has to do with the fact that Hubby is not home in the evenings. He has been working nights this week and I've been on my own. Which means no one but me knows what I eat. Now it's been a long, long time since I've eaten in secret. But that habit seems to have reared its ugly head this week. Let me take a moment and be completely accountable: Monday: Costco hot dog and Blazin Steak Tuesday: Don't remember but I know it was something not healthy Wednesday: Teddy's for lunch and chocolate covered donut holes for dinner - bleh..Then a magnum ice cream.. Thursday: Egg and bread casserole for breakfast, more donut holes and salty pulled pork for dinner, and a magnum bar. Friday: Donut and half a muffin for snack, bbq beef for lunch, an entire box of donut holes and a magnum bar. Okay, now that I have owned what I've eaten...

Wow, I thought missing 2 days was bad, then I go and miss half a week. Okay, here goes. Day 13, I am grateful for PTO. Seriously. I had a paper that was due Wednesday and I hadn't finished it. I took off Wednesday to stay home and do it. I could do that because I had accumulated plenty hours of PTO. Yeah PTO. Day 14, I am grateful for rest days. Thursday is my normal rest day from Crossfit and I do enjoy not abusing my body for one day. I took my rest day and relaxed with the puppies. Yeah rest days!!!!! Day 15, I am grateful for voodoo floss. On Wednesday my Crossfit coaches showed me how to wrap and work my knee to help reduce the swelling. I have been doing that since Wednesday and today my knee feels awesome. The swelling is almost completely gone. There is no pain. I can bend it and move it. Yeah voodoo floss..... I will be back later to write today's gratitude.

I am very pleased with myself right now. I just pulled myself back from the brink of a binge that would have been epic. My day was blah...It is the day where I don't have any classes until 2pm so I am generally bored. To make it worse our internet speed had slowed to a crawl today so I wasn't able to do anything online. Ugh.... By the time 2pm came around I was tired, bored and sooo ready to be done with the day. I got through the class and was packing up to go home when I decided to get fast food for dinner. I was debating between Jack in the box and McDonald's. Oh, and I was stopping at the store to get donut holes. Yum.. When I got near the store I still couldn't decide where to get dinner so I went to the store first. I walked through the store looking for something interesting for dinner, and while I was doing that I talked myself back and convinced myself that I could make a decent dinner. So I grabbed some dressing, a cucumber, and my donut holes and left. Yes, ...

And I'm really hoping it is just these two classes. This has been me for the past few days. I had a decent sized paper due on Sunday. I didn't finish it. Then the instructor said we had until Wednesday - today. I didn't finish it. I ended up taking the day off work to finish it. And it is horrible. Really. Truly. Horrible. I was not that interested in the topic. I could not focus my thoughts or my sources. It was bad. Now I have something, but I haven't turned it in yet. I keep looking at it and changing it. I have come to the point where I'm just ready to turn it in and let the chips fall where they may. Part of the problem has been the collaboration paper that was such a complete nightmare a couple of weeks ago, reared its ugly head again. Seems that the group did not turn in the same paper and we did not have any evidence of collaboration. {{{sigh}}} So the two girls that I had such a hard time working with, are back. And of course, trying to figure out what we ...

I can not believe I missed another 2 days. Ugh!!!! Yesterday - Day 11 - I was grateful for the 3 day weekend. I was grateful to work in a job where we actually celebrate holidays. My last job didn't do many holidays. I'm grateful to have the extra day off and time to spend with my family. Today I am grateful for my body. It has some aches and pains and doesn't always do exactly what I want it to do, but it has put up with a lot of abuse and carried me quite far in the last 54 years. It has held up really well in spite of the things I did to it. So today I'm grateful for my body.

I made a bit of an amazing discovery today. I have a couple of papers due and I am having a really, really hard time with the easier one. Yikes!!! After a few good days of eating and working out and feeling pretty awesome, as soon as the stress levels rose I ran straight to the snacks. Now, logically I know I do this, but it was the first time I made a direct connection. The first time I was aware what was happening as it was happening. This is huge for me. Once I can identify and action as it happens, I can usually stop it. That's how it went with binge eating. Initially I could only see what happened after the fact. Once I was able to identify what was going on as it was happening, I could stop it before it got completely out of control. From there it was a short process to identify it before it happened. I now have identified stress eating as it occurs, I just need to work on identifying it before I put something in my mouth. Small, baby steps.

I completely forgot to post last night. It was Saturday night and I was trying to work on my papers and it just slipped my mind. So, Day 9 gratitude is for the chance to go to school. I always wanted a Ph.D. and to actually be pursuing it now is surreal to me. In just a few short years I will be a Dr. Wow!!! That blows me away. Also, with the schooling I've been through, I never thought I would get my PhD. I thought it wasn't worth the effort. I'm glad I'm doing it because it is something I've always wanted, and I'm grateful to have the opportunity. Day 10 gratitude is for rainy days. It has been raining here all weekend and I just love it. The rain is needed since we are in a minor draught, and it makes for some beautiful waterfalls on the mountains. Plus it makes it feel like winter is coming. So Day 10 is for the rainy weekend days.