How, or why, do these things happen??

I wish I could nail down the formula for motivation. If not for everyone at least for me. I'm not sure exactly where it comes from, or goes for that matter. I know when I've lost it I would give anything to get it back. And when I have it it propels me forward into territory I like living in. So why can't I keep it all the time?

Maybe it's just remnants of my old habits. I used to be a binge eater. I never called it that and probably never admitted it even to myself, but I was. I would go on a binge and eat till my stomach hurt and I was sick to my stomach. The entire time I would be screaming inside my head 'why are you doing this?? STOP!!STOP!!' yet I would continue on as if something else had control of my body. I did eventually manage to break that habit. It took time and basically it was making the binges shorter and shorter until now when 2 cookies can constitute a binge :) Maybe my loss of motivation is like my binge eating.

I used to be incredibly lazy. I would sleep 9-10 hours a night. Take a nap during the day. Snooze in my car. Then lay around watching TV from all my hard work :) Then I started working out. It was slow at first but gradually I built it up. I would have bouts where I would stop working out for weeks or months at a time. Maybe it's a hangover from that habit. Maybe I lose motivation just because I used to be so incredibly lazy. My bouts of not working out are getting shorter and shorter. And I don't go without working out at all. I generally will get a couple of workouts in during the down time even though I have to force myself. So maybe that's it. Maybe I'm in the midst of breaking an old habit. That's never easy.

Last night I found myself thinking that I couldn't wait to go to bed so morning would come and I could workout. Huh??? Is this the same person who was 'faking it till they feel it' last week? Is this the same person who's been whining for like 2 weeks about working out?? Clearly my motivation and desire to workout is back with a vengeance. That's good, I just wish I knew exactly what I did to bring it back on so strong. Maybe faking it till you feel it really works. Oh well, I guess that's why this whole thing is a journey. If I mastered the eating/working out/weight loss and it never was a problem again what exactly would I do with the rest of my life? And what would I write about here, right???

In other news, Hubby brought home a whole bunch of crap last night. I'm in the process of slowly starting to get rid of things in preparation for the big move next year, and he brings more stuff home. Last month there was a huge tennis tournament at the racquet club and there was a bunch of promotional products leftover. He brought home a bunch of t-shirts that are either very large or way too small. There's some tank tops that are really small, maybe I'll give them away here. I do know that as soon as Hubby isn't looking I'm dumping those shirts. The last thing I need is more t-shirts.

It's definitely coming back....

and I love it. I love how I feel when I'm eating right and working out hard. I love how my body feels and how my brain seems to function better. I was reading a blog by someone who has officially given up on the whole weight loss thing. This person says they want to stop feeling bad about themselves for not doing the things they know they should. That weighing and measuring food is not something they can live with. That exercising is just not something they want to do. I read that and felt kind of sad for that person. When I work out and eat right things just seem to go better. Health wise things are always much better. I feel more accepting of myself and my body. I feel more motivated to tackle other things in my life that are unrelated to working out and eating. Everything just seems so much better when I'm taking care of myself. And that doesn't mean I have to be losing weight necessarily, it just means I have to take the time to take care of myself and then the rest of my life seems to function better. It's like they tell you on airplanes, you have to put your oxygen mask on before you attempt to help anyone else.

Anyway, back to me :) I got this Red Carpet Ready workout about 3 weeks ago. I started it and ended up so sore I could hardly walk for 3 days. So I rightly decided to go a little slower. I did 2 weeks of doing it easy and only doing 1 circuit (you're supposed to do 2 or 3). Sunday began the serious workouts. I started doing 2 circuits of the workouts and let me tell you what. Ouch!! I'm not sore but I can sure feel some of my muscles. I really like the workout. It takes about 40 minutes to do 2 full circuits and I'm breathing hard and sweating hard when I'm done. I feel like I worked out. After this mornings workout I hoped onto my brand new elliptical machine and got a 20 minute 'run' in. Wow!! I have not been running and I could feel it in my legs. A Lot!!!! It felt great!!!

Anyway, I'm feeling awesome. I'm feeling my mojo, for lack of a better word, returning. I'm feeling inspired and ready to go. I have a feeling I know what part of the problem was but I don't want to jinx it so I'm not going to say a word. I have, for a couple of days, been in a foul mood. Seriously!! I wanted to strangle my husband on Sunday night for no other reason then he didn't fold the laundry!!! Yeah, something is definitely going on. Well, I probably should get to work. I want to call around for some quotes on car insurance. I haven't looked at my insurance in a couple of years so I thought it's time to check it out.

Okay, now we're cooking.....

The cord for my dirt cheap elliptical came today. Yes!!! I'm very excited.

It takes time but the change is coming around. I worked out a very doable training plan this weekend. I'm logging every bite I eat. I'm already starting to feel it. I'm feeling better and the workouts are starting to click. I have no doubt by the end of the week I will be completely back in the proper head space. Yes!!!

My heel is healing too. I did a little tiny bit of running on the trail on Sunday and it was a tiny bit sore today, but not bad. I think we are making progress. I ordered one of those silly PF socks to wear. The chiro says it will definitely help to keep pressure on the heel all night. I've got to get this heel fixed and soon. I will be doing 2 marathons in 6 months and I am not going to be one of those strollers taking 8 hours to do a marathon. Been there. Done that. Ain't doing it again.

Okay, dinner is almost ready and I'm hungry. The important part is things are definitely turning around.

Sometimes things amaze me....

I got into a long conversation the other day with this 24 year old child who did not remember before the Internet. Their entire realm of experience involves the Internet. They grew up with computers, Google, email, etc..... Wow!! Have I gotten old or what??

Then, this afternoon I'm looking around online for something and I stumbled across Johnson & Johnson's website. Again, Wow!!! I remember J&J from when I was growing up. We always had baby powder in the house and No More Tears Shampoo, God I loved that stuff :) Anyway, as I'm cruising around their site a couple of things struck me. First, I didn't realize they are all the brands they are; Acuvue, Tylenol, Splenda, just to name a few. Second, they really are a leader in the healthcare innovation field. It's truly amazing. They are more then 120 years old!! They are over 250 companies operating in 57 countries. I know, I know, I sound like a commercial for J&J, but it really took me by surprise. I guess that's what happens when you don't pay attention, huh?? Oh yeah, what was I looking for?? A specific KY Jelly.... If you haven't tried it I would recommend you give it a shot. Oh yeah, KY, also J&J......Go figure!!!

Some mental changes

I've been doing a lot of self evaluation this weekend. As you may have guessed I'm going through a really rough spot and I need to get my head on straight before anything else will straighten out. So I took some time out this morning and went hiking. I swear, there is nothing like being in the great outdoors to put things into perspective and get my head back in the right place. Hopefully things will be better from here on out, not perfect, but definitely better.

As I was hiking, the same trail I hike a lot, I saw this:
I noticed the red. Then it dawned on me what it was and I couldn't believe it.

It's a little blurry but it's a red pick up truck. How the heck did it get there? It seems like it's been there for a while. I did not think there was a road behind this trail but I had to look up on the topo map to be sure. There isn't. I can not even begin to imagine how that car got there.

The really exciting part of this hike was that I felt so good when I turned around, mentally and physically, that I ran back. I have not done a trail run in years. I was really getting into it when I had a bout of spraining ankles - repeatedly. I stopped and I've been really nervous about doing it again. But there are 2 trail runs I want to do. One is a 4 mile loop in October. The other is a half marathon in December. I felt so good running today, I may add this into my mix and see how it goes.

Okay, that's it. Starting tomorrow it's back to workouts and such. No more whining and crying over they way things aren't. As my wrist says, do or not do, there is no try!!! Time to start doing.

Serious tracking ahead

Believe it or not, I've done a ton of reading in the last 2 days (luckily I'm a very fast reader and it's been slow at work :). I've done a lot of reading on metabolism and fat loss because that's what it boils down to. I don't particularly care what the number on the scale is, I want to lose this fat and feel good in my body. So after extensive reading I've decided I don't track enough. I keep the WW journal and I keep track of my exercise, but only superficially. Many, many times I will guess at how many activity points I earned, or how much of something I ate, or what the points value on something was. I thought I was being good but looking over my journals there is way too many of these ~ indicating I was guessing. No more guessing. Yesterdays weighing adventure was a real eye opener for me and highlighted how off I can be even when trying to be strict with myself.

Starting today I am going to keep a very detailed daily journal. Everything will be weighed and I will be tracking every single gram that goes in my mouth. I am also getting new batteries for my HRM (both of them are dead) and am going to use that when I workout so I have a bit of clue what I did. I know the HRMs aren't incredibly accurate but at least it's something and I'm not shooting completely in the dark.

It's going to be tough but I'm going to do it. I won't be doing it forever, just till I get a real handle on what exactly I'm eating and burning. I will do this, in nauseating detail, for 1 month. By then I should have a real grip on what's going on and I will know why I'm not losing the way I want to be.

Right now I'm off to WW to face the music. I feel it will be up again this week but I need to know exactly where I'm starting this part of the journey so that's okay. Hopefully, it won't be up too much.

I'm on the hunt, I'm after you.....

I know how my mind works. I know what I need to know in order to know what I want to know. I also know that I can read the same information presented 14 different ways and get it but not get it. But, I read it a 15th way and not only will the light bulb come on, the whole damn block will light up. I have to understand the why. For example, I've heard all my life that it takes 20 minutes for the message to get from your stomach to your brain that you've eaten. I've never understood that. This is the same body that can transmit pain from my toe to my brain before I even realize I did anything. But it takes 20 minutes to get from my stomach to my brain??? Why???? Then I read in a scientific journal that the signals actually come from your upper intestine. When you eat your stomach starts working and when some passes into your upper intestines the signal is sent to your brain that your full and that process takes about 20 minutes. Now it makes sense and I understand. For most people just knowing that it takes 20 minutes for your brain to get the message is enough. Not me. I need to know why.

I've been doing this diet/exercise thing for so long now, I'm afraid some things aren't working for me. For instance, I know that if you go into a state of calorie deficit for an extended period of time, your metabolism will slow down. Even if you weight train, restricted calories will eventually slow your metabolism. I also know that long bouts of cardio don't work. Every marathon I've ever trained for has actually resulted in a weight gain. Your body gets efficient at burning fat but then it's get really efficient at storing it. Not a good combination.

When I started Weight Watchers 12 weeks ago I had high hopes. I have lost 7 lbs, so that's good, and I do feel a lot better, but it's not going like I hoped it would. Now I know a lot of it is me. I'm not following the plan as closely as I can. I have not been working out as much as I should be. But I think it's because there's some of the whys missing for me. I know a lot about the body and nutrition and working out, but I think there are blank spots that I may not be aware of that will clear things up for me. So I'm on a mission to learn. I've started reading a couple of different trainers books to see if I can't get the light bulb moment. I'm not looking for a new program to follow, I plan on sticking with WW because of the support. I'm looking for the knowledge that I think I'm missing that will make this make more sense to me. Once I understand exactly what's going on, I can tailor it to fit me. The signals to the brain thing?? I now have no problem taking like 4 bites of something then sitting and waiting for my brain to get the signal. Now that I know I can make it work for me.

One of the first things I learned already is about measuring food. I measure my food probably 90% of the time. I have a set of measuring cups and measuring spoons that pretty much live in my dish basket and I measure most of what goes in my mouth with them. I also have a food scale that lives on the counter and I weigh things that need to be weighed. So I'm reading and this trainer is talking about how most people use measuring instruments wrong. She says they are really getting a lot more then they plan on because of this. She showed some examples where tiny miscalculations can add up to a lot of calories during the day. It was definitely and eye-opener. So this morning I weighed my food. All nutrition labels have a serving size in measurements and grams. I set my food scale to grams and weighed my little heart out this morning. Wow!!! What a shock. The 3/4 c. of Special K I measure every day is supposed to be 29 grams. My actual weight was 45 grams. That's 16 grams more than I thought I was getting. That's 55 extra calories I wasn't counting. Now 55 calories is not a lot, but extrapolate that over an entire days food and it can add up. It's possible I'm not losing because I'm actually eating more than I think. I always count my morning banana as 1 point or a small one, 101 calories. I weighed my banana this morning and found it weighed over 200 g. That's a 180 calories. That's 80 calories I'm not counting every single day. With the 55 from the cereal that's 135 so far. Finally the milk. I use skim milk and thought I was using 1 cup. Turns out I'm using almost 1 1/4 cups which is an additional 22 calories. That makes a total of 157 additional calories every day just at breakfast. What could it be for lunch and dinner???

So I'm on the hunt. I'm bound and determined to figure this all out and I think I've made a good start. Now that I weighed everything today, let's see how hungry I am at the end of the day :P

Public notice

As someone recently pointed out to me, this is my blog. I will say whatever I darn well please. No one, and I mean no one, is being forced to read this. I read a lot of blogs that I don't agree with and I have this really neat trick I do. If you look up in the right hand corner of the screen you will see an X. If you click that, the blog goes away. It's absolutely miraculous!!! Please feel free to use it at any time.

I don't buy into that political correctness garbage. I will call things just the way I see them. I will call a spade a spade (racist!!!!). I will not buy into the overly sensitive crowd where I have to worry about what I say. If it upsets you, leave. Trust me, you won't hurt my feelings. I'm a big girl and my mother taught me that words can't hurt me. I've been called much worse by way better people.

So this serves as notice, I will say anything I want and if you don't like it you are invited to leave.

Comment response

The Fitness Diva left a comment on my last post but it's a no-reply email address so I can't reply to her directly, so I'll reply here.

I did not say fried chicken was a black thing. I was stating what the McDonald's commercial showed and the stereotype it perpetrated. As for rap, same thing, I never said it was a black thing. Please do not put words in my mouth. Stereotypes are rash generalizations made about a specific group of people. I did not start the stereotype and if you think that McDonald's is not perpetrating it that's just ridiculous. I think McDonald's is doing a horrible thing with their current collection of ads, that means I agree with you. In all the recent commercials I've seen for McDonald's, I've only seen one white person involved in rap. Now I know for a fact that's not the way it is in real life so McDonald's is exploiting a stereotype. If you would read what I was trying to say and not get so caught up in your own anger you would see that we are on the same side. You have a right to be angry, but at McDonald's not me. I didn't make the commercials.

And yes, after 50 years on the planet I know people. I think it's rather racist to say I don't know black people. Are you just a human or some special life form that needs special consideration? I've been reading your blog for a while now and I honestly did not know until your comment that you were black, nor did I care. I don't care what color any one's skin is because deep down we are all just people. I also can see when something is just wrong and that's how I feel about those commercials.

I can honestly say I don't often deal with people who have knee-jerk reactions. Most of the people I deal with on a regular basis will strive to understand what is being said before reacting to it. So this reaction kind of surprises me. I guess because I noticed the stereotypes McDonald's was promoting, I'm a racist. I find that argument interesting. I think a racist would be someone who would see those commercials and not see anything wrong with them. Turning a blind eye to these things is a large part of the problem. By me seeing the problem and pointing it out, regardless of my skin color, goes much farther towards solving a problem. Back in the 70's and 80's, when a lot of these issues were being brought up, they used to say if you can't talk about it you can't fix it. I think they were talking about domestic abuse, but the same theory applies here. I think the McDonald's commercials are offensive. If I were to say nothing I'd indirectly be supporting them. But by speaking up I'm a racist. Jeez, I'm just not going to win this one, huh???

And, for my final totally unrelated point, the blog I got the initial observation that McDonald's was targeting black people in their current campaigns was the blog of a black woman who is trying to lose weight. Maybe she's racist too???? And sizest????